What's Worked for Us: Nurturing Sibling Friendships

Sometimes those of us who are bloggers tend to be self-indulgent. This post is one of those cases. I just love this photo of our oldest daughter, Anna, and her sister, Faith. Anna is 23 and Faith is 14. Though the girls are nearly 10 years apart in age, they share a close friendship. That makes this mother's heart sing. I invite you to share my joy!

As our children are growing up, we do everything we can think of to encourage them to be close-knit. This has meant limiting outside activities so that we can spend more time together as a family. It's required teaching, training and nurturing in our kids an understanding of the crucial step of taking responsibility when they sin against a sibling and seeking reconciliation immediately upon the recognition that they've done wrong. Our kids are not allowed to speak critically of one another or tease in an unkind way. This means the two of us have had to model these standards in our marriage and in our relationships with our children. Crazy as it sounds, we've even gone so far as to ask that our children not call someone outside their siblings their best friend (until marriage). We encourage them to always think of each other as their best friends, and to say of others, "She is one of  my best friends." 

Now that seven of our kiddos are grown, three more are youth and two in their last years as elementary-age children, we're seeing the fruit of our many prayers that their friendship would remain strong. The twelve of them (and now our two sons-in-law) cherish the rare chance to see one another now that we've spread out across the country. We thank God for His powerful grace in this area! He abounds in lovingkindness!

The photo above was taken at a wedding of dear friends which all of us we attended in May in Pennsylvania. Anna was one of the bridesmaids, and Faith assisted me with my photography assignment. Being together in the bride's dressing room, the sisters didn't miss the chance to savor a sweet hug.

What's Worked For Us: Becoming Twelve (With Recipe)

A few weeks ago I posted about Hope turning twelve.

Last night, with her dad's help, she became...well...more twelve.

Let me explain. It's one thing to turn a numerical age. It's another to reach the real capability of an age as you're growing up.

In our family, we begin training them in the kitchen from the time their tall enough to see over the counter. We try to teach them enough to be able to help with the preparation of meals. However, around the time our kiddos turn twelve, our goal changes. Our desire is that with additional training from us, they will make the transition from being kitchen help to having enough culinary skill to be able to prepare dinner for the family without assistance.

We view our children's ability to cook as one of the most important life skills they'll need for the rest of their lives. After all, we all have to eat three times a day, right? We believe this for both our sons and daughters. Only the Lord knows when He may bring them together with a future spouse, so both boys and girls need to be able to cook for themselves. 

We rotate cooking nights among the children, and last night it was Hope's turn to lead. Normally, she's still paired with an older sibling. Yesterday, however, her partner was out of town.

So her dad, who was already a great cook when we married, spent the hour prior to dinner doing some of the crucial training that will allow Hope to become a great cook herself. As he invested in her, Hope learned how to make Sour Cream Enchiladas, one of our family's favorite entrees.

I wish I had taken a photo of the beautiful dish Hope created with some coaching from her daddy. His intentionality in making sure she learns her way around the kitchen blessed all of us. We had the yummiest enchiladas we've had in a very long time. In addition, Hope sat a bit taller at the table last night. Her confidence had been given a solid boost. Even she could sense that she's now more twelve...not just numerically that age but now just that much more capable of contributing to the family's needs in the kitchen.

Here's the recipe in case you'd like to try these yummy creations for yourself.

Jane and Jean's Sour Cream Enchiladas

4 cups cooked chicken, diced
1 can chopped green chiles, drained
2 cans cream of chicken soup
1 bunch of finely sliced green onions
16 oz sour cream

12 standard size flour tortillas
1-1/2 cups shredded cheddar cheese.

Mix and heat the first five ingredients in a large pan on the stove to make the enchilada sauce. Set aside half the mixture after completing this step.

Spray a 9x13" pan with non-stick cooking spray.

Spoon about 2 heaping tablespoons of the heated mixture into a flour tortilla. Roll it up tightly and place it in the 9x13" pan. Repeat this step until you have filled 12 tortillas.

Now pour the remaining sauce over the top of the enchiladas. Use a spoon to spread the mixture evenly, making sure to coat all the tortillas to prevent burning. Spread the shredded cheddar cheese evenly over the top of the enchiladas and sauce. Bake at 350F for 30 minutes or until the sauce is bubbling and the cheese if fully melted.

Let the enchiladas set for about 15 minutes before attempting to serve. We like to cut the enchiladas into 3x3" squares to serve. Enjoy!

What's Worked for Us: A Weekend Routine That Blesses

photo credit ~ Natasha

About 17 years ago we made a shift in how our family views weekends. We decided to use Sundays solely as a day to focus on the Lord and for family time. Up until this switch, we'd accomplished a number of the things on our to do list each week on Sunday. We'd also done quite a bit of playing on Saturday. In order to have Sundays freed up from work, we had to make the commitment to work hard on Saturdays. So for our family, Saturdays are a dedicated "Work Day". There's nothing rigid about this. Some Saturdays, we throw work to the wind and spend the day at the zoo. However, most Saturdays you'll find us at home whittling away at our task lists.

Despite how unappealing this may sound, we've come to find the day one of many rewards. On Saturdays our family functions as a well-oiled machine. We're a team in the best sense of the word. Each person in the family has their role and only if we each accomplish our part does a true rest on Sunday become possible. We're blessed with a real sense of satisfaction as we efficiently accomplish much more than any of us could do working alone.

Another reward of setting aside Saturday for a work day is that for the most part the twelve of us living here are all at home. Other days of the week activities carry us far and wide, especially now that almost all of our children are teens or young adults. But on Saturdays, we get time to catch up with each other as we work side by side. This rich fellowship leads to a great deal of laughter and enriches the friendships we share.

Finally, another reward to our Saturdays is the delicious meals that punctuate our work. Tonight we grilled a Russian favorite ~ shashleek. You can see from the photo that shashleek looks just like what we call shish kabobs here in America, but the Russian version is marinated in the most scrumptious blend of seasonings. Yum!

We don't skimp on the quality of Saturday's meals, and we don't rush this weekly chance to enjoy being together. We sit down to delicious food and conversation ~ a practice so rare around the table in America. We might talk politics. Or our conversation might turn to the even more important topic of our faith, our desire to follow Jesus, apologetics and ethics. Sometimes our table talk is much lighter and revolves around funny videos we've recently seen on the web, and we laugh until we're convulsing in our chairs. Again, the fellowship is rich.

So while we work hard on Saturdays, we don't dread the day. Working together and laughing together is a sweet combination. And on Sunday? The reward for Saturday's intentional emphasis on work is a sabbath of complete rest ~ a chance to breathe despite the chaos of modern life. Our Sundays are an antidote to the exhaustion that builds from busyness during the week. For nearly two decades, the freedom to focus on the Lord without being haunted by duties demanding to be done yet that weekend has proven to be refreshing to body and soul. This weekly routine has been like being blessed with 52 extra days of vacation each year. God is so good!

Our weekend routine isn't for everyone, but, by God's grace, it's worked for us.

Pre-Marriage Thoughts for Lissie

Mrs. Beaver:

Following the news that Eric and Lissie are engaged, I thought I'd share some photos of them taken when they shared two weeks together at our home in early January. I'm going to alternate the photos with some quotes regarding the role of the wife in making the marriage a lifetime success--and, hence, a glory to God. These are ways in which I pray Lissie will bless Eric throughout their years together. (The quotes are by Kim Brenneman from her book Large Family Logistics.)

"The heart of her husband trusts her, and he will have no lack of gain." (Proverbs 31:11)

"In Hebrew, "no lack of gain" literally translates to "prey, plunder, and spoil." The Excellent Wife is prudent and careful in the management of the home and its expenses. She increases her husband's prosperity. She is so proficient that her husband is at peace and able to focus on his own workload. A wise woman takes care of those things in her charge which not only glorifies her heavenly Father, but blesses her husband." (pg. 24)

"She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life." (Proverbs 31:12)

"Jesus'went about doing good' (Acts 10:38). With Jesus as our example, a wife should try to understand her husband so that she can learn how to do him good. She should study him and learn his likes, dislikes, gifts, faults, so that she can understand how to be an effective complement to him." (pg. 25)

Lissie, I echo what Kim Brenneman has to say to her readers:

"Hear your husband's dreams and help him to reach his goals. Listen to his suggestions, and be attentive to his needs when planning your day and organizing your long-term domestic goals, whether you are shopping, taking care of your children, or pursuing a remodeling project. Make sure your priorities reflect his." (pg. 25)

 "Our men work so hard for us. They are sweating and striving against thorns and thistles. We should seek to be a jewel and a crown for our husband and to make our home a castle and fill it with comfort for him." (pg. 25)

"An excellent wife is the crown of her husband,

but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones." 

(Proverbs 12:4)

"Becoming a crown to our husband in not something that comes automatically. It takes diligent focus and effort...That is a strange concept in our culture which equates love with romance and lust. Biblically speaking, love is a choice and commitment. It is seeing your husband as God sees him and loving him as God loves you. It is a deeper and richer love than worldly love. I would encourage you to learn more of God's love and how we are to love, as He does." (pg.25)

Lissie, my beloved daughter, most of these quotes imply denying self, putting your own priorities to the side and working at making the relationship a happy one. With nearly 30 years of experience as a wife, I would tell you "Follow these words of wisdom and you'll have something even better than happiness--you'll have joy as you walk the path of life together."
With love, Mumsie

Five Things I've Learned from My Husband

Mrs. Beaver:

Tomorrow is our 28th wedding anniversary. I can't think of a better way to celebrate God's incredible goodness to me than by sharing some of the ways He hs used Mr. Beaver to impact my life:

1. Never go to bed angry. This idea didn't originate with Mr. Beaver, of course. God records this relationship-saving wisdom in the Bible, "...do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity" (Ephesians 4:26,27). When we began marriage nearly three decades ago, Jim insisted we live according to this principle. This has made for some late, late nights, getting very few zzzzs. However, the effort has been worth every nearly-sleepless night as it has kept our union free from the growth of bitterness.

2. Never go to bed without relationship reconciliation. This may sound redundant, but it goes a step beyond Point 1. We can tell ourselves we're free of anger and still not be free of our agenda. No matter the depth of disagreement, my husband insists we stay awake until sweetness returns. He requires us to live, "Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ Jesus has forgiven you." (Ephesians 4:32). Jim's leadership on this point has kept our relationship with each other amiable and gracious. He demands the same standard in our relationships with all 13 children (10 by adoption, two by birth, one by marriage).

3. Never part from a loved one without relationship reconciliation. Again, this may sound redundant. The focus of this Point 3, however, is not saying good-night but saying good-bye. Jim's father died in a plane crash when he was just seven. His mom has spent decades grateful to the Lord that the two of them had this "rule." When my mother-in-law became a widow, she had no regrets. Their relationship was free of fresh bruises and free of unhealed harm from old battles. Jim has insisted that everyone in our family love each other in this same way. Even if we're running out the door late, we must stop and set any damaged relationship right. (See Matthew 5:23,24)

4. The way to a person's heart is through service. I've learned the value of meeting the needs of others by being the object of Mr. Beaver's ongoing selflessness. For as long as I can remember, my husband has walked in from work uttering the same four words to me, "How can I help?" His willingness to put my needs and those of his children before his own desires, even when he's exhausted, has refreshed me nightly and left our kids in awe of their daddy. They "get" what a sacrifice their father's offer is, and they're able to recognize Christ at work in him. The influence his service has had on their hearts has made me to want work harder at honoring Jesus' words: "For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve..." (Mark 10:45) Mr. Beaver imitates His Saviour beautifully, day in and day out.

5. God's word is worth knowing. On my first birthday after we married, Mr. Beaver gave me a study Bible. My thought was a disgruntled, "Great...what kind of gift is this?" Obviously I didn't understand the value of God's word. However, I've had 28 years to watch as my man has read the Book, studied the Book, memorized the Book, shared the Book with our children in the evenings, and taught the Book at church. I've watched the Book change him. He's grown more tender, humble, gentle, patient, thankful, and compassionate. The more time Mr. Beaver spends in the Bible, the more he prizes God and becomes like God's Son. The Bible says, "...like newborn babies, long for the pure milk of the word". With the many other ways Mr. Beaver could spend his time (he loves to golf and has his private pilot's license), he invests it in knowing God through His word and it shows! Unlike 28 years ago, I now understand the value of knowing God's word and try to follow Mr. Beaver's example in impressing it on my heart (Deuteronomy 11:18)!

I love my husband deeply. I thank God for Mr. Beaver, and for all Mr. Beaver has taught me since we stood at the alter. This list barely scratches the surface. Daily, I watch him. I learn from him. I glean more and more wisdom from him. I hope and pray the Lord will allow me many more years to follow him as he follows God.

Family Fun with a Purpose

Mrs. Beaver:

Years ago I had the opportunity to hear a widow named Marina speak to a large audience of young mothers. She opened her heart about a struggle she'd gone through with one of her four children. To her horror, she realized that after she'd lost her husband, she'd also lost the heart of one of her sons. He was pulling away from what was left of their family, as well as rejecting the values she and her husband had tried to instill in their children. If her son continued on the path he was following, he'd be lost.

This brave single mom fell to her knees and cried out to the Lord for wisdom. At first mystified as to how this could have happened in what she thought was a close-knit family, she was led to the insight that her son viewed "the world" as more attractive than the family. The world was exciting. The word was ever-new. The world was full of social opportunities. The world was anything but mundane.

Having her eyes opened to the attractions available outside their home, Marina battled to make the family home a place her son would wanted to be. She prayed their family members would become the people with whom he would most want to spend time. From that point on, she purposed to plan events that would draw the five of them together. She invested herself in bringing her teens' friends and their families into their home. Fun wasn't the goal in and of itself, but she saw it as a crucial vehicle to her children being receptive to the Saviour for whom she and her husband had shared a deep love.

When Marina spoke to the women in Texas at the homeschooling conference I was attending, several years had passed since the heart-rending time when she saw her beloved teenager slipping away. She had a happy ending to share with those who were listening. As she followed the Lord's leading to make life in their family more attractive than the world, she won her son's heart back again. By the time she spoke to us, all four of her children were followers of Christ who had rejected the charms of the world.

When I returned  home and shared Marina's story with Mr. Beaver, we agreed that we too would purpose to make life in our family delightful for our children. At that time we had only three kids. Anna, Lissie and Joe weren't even nine years old yet, but we knew it could never be too soon to make family time a priority. Our quest to become a unit they loved being assoicated with began immediately. Their salvation would be dependent on God's grace. We knew we couldn't cause our beloved children to be saved, but we have purposed for more than a decade to make Christ attractive by making our family a place of faith-encouraging fun.

For us this has meant doing nearly everything together as a family, and we've all come to cherish that togetherness. It's meant setting aside the daily-ness of life to spend time having fun. It's meant setting aside personal agendas to focus on having fun together. Interestingly, Paul's encouragement to set aside selfishness and focus on others (Philipians 2:3.4) actually tends to yield greater personal joy than pursuing our own personal agendas.

Just one example of this committment  to faith-ecouraging family fun occurred on our second hike at the North Shore. On this jouney, there would be something for everyone. The wet snow that day was a guy's dream come true. A warm front had passed through the area over night making it perfect to form SNOW BALLS! We'd barely started walking when Aaron formed SNOW BALLS and demonstrated his juggling ability.

While Aaron was basking in the applause of his wife and new in-laws, Alexander took three slightly bigger SNOW BALLS and made a tiny snowman along the path, using part of his lunch for his creation's nose.

While the guys were enjoying the SNOW BALLS, the gals were engaged in one of their favorite pastimes -- chatting.

 Anna (l) and Tatiana

While Anna was catching up on her sister's life, her husband had left the path for a short cut... straight up!

Soon Joe followed his brother-in-law, and then ...

...a crowd joined the climb.

When some of Oksana's siblings went one direction while her parents and other siblings went another, she was left confused about what to do. We've noticed that when our little one feels insecure, we still get glimpses  in her face of what we call her "orphan spirit". It's easy to understand how the severe neglect she endured as a baby followed by years in an orphanage have left her fearful of uncertainty.

Thankfully, as soon as we called this recently adopted child to our side as we ascended the steep hill, her confidence, poise and happy grin returned.

Lissie's enjoyment of the scenery was heightened by seeing the beauty through a camera lens.

I, too, enjoyed seeing the canvas of our Creator through a camera lens.

These itsy-bitsy pine cones, about 1/2 inch long, were my favorite discovery. As we strolled, Mr. Beaver pointed out to me that this branch had all three stages of their growth--tiny buds, tight wrapped cones and the fully opened version.

Before long we came to a bridge stretched over one of the two waterfalls we saw that day. (See photo below.)

I love nine-year-old Amy's approach to making sure she was part of the picture. See her peering through the horizontal bars in the center of the bridge? Oh, the challenges of being the 11th out of 12 children! (Mr. Beaver was lifting up Oksana--12th out of 12)

The falls

For a while Alexander was content to merely carry his "baby." Then his testosterone kicked in!

It dawned on him that he could dash his SNOW BALL to dust by hurling it into the ravine through which the Temperance River flows. After this discovery, he rolled large SNOW BALLS with gusto, each time searching for the perfect spot for its destruction. He was one very happy 12-year-old boy!

Meanwhile, the girls carried on with their chatting.

Aaron jumped from rock to rock near the ravine's edge. He, too, was "all boy", taking logs and delightedly tossing them into the ravine, listening then for the big boom they made when they landed.

Unlike Alexander, however, every once in a while he'd take his focus off the available adventure. He'd swoop into the midst of the hikers to snuggle with his bride.

Joe slipped off every once in awhile to take in the beauty of the surroundings. I love my oldest son's meditative look caught in this photo as he peers through the brush, staring at the river where it widens and emerges from its ravine.

Joe's contemplative mood didn't last long as Alexander's excitement over throwing the SNOW BALL bombs into the ravine grew. Soon Joe was running along the trail helping his younger brother to find the perfect spot to launch each new SNOW BALL.

When we reached the bridge on the return trip, the whole group got involved in Alexander's quest to toss a SNOW BALL over its top railing.

Finally, Joe stepped in to give the "umph" that Nathaniel's shorter arms couldn't quite pull off. See the big SNOW BALL being hurled by Joe in the left hand corner -- much to the delight of his brother!

Alexander was quite pleased with the results.

As more SNOW BALLS were thrown to their destruction, the tribe got sillier and sillier, as evidenced by Joe and Aaron's response to my request for a photo of the two friends. Before I could click the shutter a second time, the jokesters had gone from this...

...to this!

The hike finished with all involved laughing, happy and eagerly looking forward to more family time.

When we finish an event like this hike, there's no way to test whether we've made Christ more attractive to our children. We won't know for years what God's plan is for their lives. However, when we've had a sweet time like this as a family filled with silly antics and plenty of laughter, our hope is that winsomeness might help keep their hearts and their ears open when we tell them about Jesus and His saving work on the cross. Concurrent to family fun, Mr. Beaver and I just keep praying fervently for the Lord's saving grace to be showered on all 12 of our kiddos and all twelve of our future in-laws that they might love God with all their heart and soul and strength. We long for our ever-growing tribe to be an army prepared to glorify God.

How about you, are you carving out time for special family moments? Do you surprise your kids with unexpected adventures. Do you ever cast off what's necessary and, by nature, mundane in maintaining a home to do something you know your children will remember for a long, long time? Do you ever push back the dishes on a warm fall evening to dash to a park to swing and climb just as the last rays of sun drop below the horizon? Family fun with a faith-building purpose is worth the sacrifice and investment!

Dinner for Three

Mrs. Beaver:

Last night Mr. Beaver and I took 16-year-old Daria to the nicest restaurant in town. It was just the three of us. Doing anything in a group that small is unusual in a family our size! Daria even got to shop for and don a brand new dress for the special occasion.

Why all the fuss?

Daria is the sixth of our teens to go through an important rite of passage in our family. We call it the Purity Promise Dinner. Our goal last night was to encourage Daria to commit to physical, emotional and spiritual purity in pursuit of Christ-like holiness while she waits to marry the right man at the right time according to God's plan for her life. We asked her to commit to sexual abstinence until marriage because we want God's very best for her and for her husband-to-be.

Mr. Beaver and I draw these convictions from the Bible. So after ordering our food last night, Mr. Beaver went over a number of scriptures with Daria showing her God's good plan for her life. He took her to Bible verses where the Lord articulates His insistence that His people save physical intimacy for the marriage bed. Daria's dad showed her that God wants more than mere physical purity. He wants purity of the mind and heart as well. The Lord wants young people to save all of themselves for their marriage partners.

Once Daria's dad had explained our plea for her to pursue purity, he asked her if she was willing to wait. Her response was an enthusiastic, "Yes!" She went on to tell us that while living in the orphanage in Russia and attending a community school, she'd had the opportunity to witness the devastation that not waiting can cause. She'd seen the brokenness that giving your heart and your body too soon can produce. She told us she wants something more like the love-filled magic she's seen between her sister, Anna, and her brother-in-law, Aaron.

We warned Daria that the promise she was making would be hard to keep. She'd be battling the world's ways and her own hormones. Daria's not naive, however. Living in an orphanage until she was nearly 16 opened her eyes to the very realities from which we've tried to shelter our other children. She knows life's hard edge, but now she also knows Christ. She wants to fight the good fight with His help. We promised we'd stand shoulder to shoulder with her, always ready to listen to her struggles. We promised we'd always be willing to pray with her. We promised we'd be available to counsel her and guide her. We promised her never-ending support and love.

Once Daria made her pledge to wait for the right man at the right time, as her dad likes to put it, he pulled out the visible reminder of her promise to walk the path of purity. He placed a ring on her left hand which will remain there until a man who has Mr. Beaver's approval replaces the band with an engagement ring.

Daria's hand and that of her daddy

Until Daria's forever man comes along, her dad will protect her and provide for her. He'll train her in the ways of God, and he'll intercede on her behalf in prayer before the Creator and Sustainer of the universe. Then someday he'll stand at a wedding alter and pass those responsiblities to a young man who is prepared to be responsible for Daria for life.

 To God be the glory!

Her First Date

Mrs. Beaver:

Our beautiful new Russian adoptee, Daria, went on her first date last night with...

...her parents!

One of our family's long-time practices is for Mr. Beaver and me to take our individual children out on a rotating basis. We call these "dates." Usually each of us takes out one child. The four of us ride together in the car on a Wednesday night or a Saturday morning, but then the two sets sit in different sections of the coffee shop or restaurant so we get one-on-one time.

Sometimes on these dates we simply converse if the child has something on their heart they want to discuss. But usually we chat while playing a game. We've discovered that laughing together is a great contributor to family strength. Having fun together is also an important bridge to ensuring we have an open relationship with each of our arrows (Ps. 127:4).

We started this practice when we had three children, but now as a large family the tradition has become even more important to us. When you're one of twelve, it's easy to get lost. We think these dates help prevent that. They also allow the two of us to know each of our children as individuals and to relish in how the Lord has made each unique.

For a variety of logistical reasons, both of us took Daria on her very first date as part of our family. If I've ever witnessed a delighted teenager, it was this precious 15-year-old former orphan last night. She talked and talked in her intertwined combination of mostly Russian with a bit of emerging English, what our family calls "Ringlish."

Daria asked us a number of questions about American culture. She also told us many of her observations about ways in which American and Russian cultures differ. She eventually concluded that some things are better in Russia and some things are better in America. We both heartily agreed.

This realistic assessment that both cultures have strengths and weaknesses is a very good place for a teen to be nine weeks into her adoption into a family in a distant country. Daria has had to give up so much to become part of our family--language, familiar music and smells, faith traditions, foods, holidays, and more.

Since adopting Daria in mid November, we have watched her go through brief but very understandable periods of grieving the loss of her Motherland, as the Russians lovingly call their country. However, last night's date revealed to us that she is developing a mindset we hope she'll never lose--a continuing love for the country where she was born and spent the first decade-and-a-half of her life, combined with a willingness to embrace life in the U.S.

We thank and praise God for the grace He is showering on the daughter we've known for such a short time and yet already love so deeply.