Monday Musing: Hungry

When I began posting Monday Musings a few weeks ago, I told our readers that sharing these thoughts is an effort to help myself think biblically that I might be a better wife and mother. The Monday Musings have their origin in my war against my weaknesses, blunders, mistakes, and sins. This week's Musing is no exception.

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I've come to realize that I am starving to death. Now anyone who has seen me, or even a picture of me, knows that I am in no danger of wasting away. But despite the invisibility of the condition, the starvation  is real.

However, the malnutrition in my life is subtle. This hunger doesn't nag and insist I address it. I've come to realize what's happening not through how I look or feel, but through how I act. I've slowly come to recognize longer and more intense periods of self-centeredness, self-righteousness, self-absorption.

Finally recognizing this pattern after an especially self-oriented day yesterday has helped to see that I have a dietary deficiency. I'm not getting enough of the Bread of Life. I'm not spending enough time with Jesus who calls Himself "living bread" (John 4:51). I'm not getting in long enough periods of reading the Bible. I am snacking on the Word, rather than feasting on it each morning (a concept my dear friend, Angela, shared years ago)--and it shows!

My statement that I'm starving to death probably sounds a bit melodramatic. But Proverbs 14:12 says,

"There is a way that seems right to a man,

But its end is that way of death."

When I don't spend enough time with God in His word before the demands of my day begin, my ability to patiently endure the stresses the day will inevitably bring decreases. The little things that happen when "sinners live with sinners in a broken world" (see Paul Tripp's writings) become big things in my eyes. I make mountains out of mole hills, and my family pays the price. I'm likely to respond with frustration, irritation, and anger, often building to a crescendo of self-pity. I become the foolish woman of Proverbs 14:1 who tears down her own house. I introduce "death" into my home and family despite my desire to be a woman who brings life and light to those with whom she lives.

What's been keeping me from long, leisurely quiet times? I'm refusing to get up early enough because I want more sleep. However, the truth is I don't need more sleep. I need more grace. I need the strength that can only be found in a growing relationship with a redeeming, rescuing Savior.

It is in Christ's pattern for the time He spent with His Father that I must find my model:

"In the early morning, while it was still dark,

Jesus got up, left the house

 and went away to a secluded place,

and way praying there."

Mark 1:35

Early in the morning. While it was still dark. I'm ready to finish this post and go to bed. I'll retire tonight praying that God will help me to rise early in the morning while it is still dark. I'll ask Him to help me trust that He'll grant me enough grace following my quiet time to make up for the sleep I'll miss. I am tired, but I'm even more desperate. I'm desperately tired of hurting those I love. I'm hungering for more of the Bread of Life.

~Mrs. Beaver