Celebrating Zhenya's 21st!

I promised in my teaser post earlier this week to share some photos from our celebration of Zhenya's 21st birthday.

Zhenya's actual birthday took place at the end of last week on the final day of CAFO 2014 (the Christian Alliance for Orphans' annual global summit). That evening during the last plenary session, Zhenya got quite a surprise. CAFO's president, Jedd Medefind, called her up on stage to acknowledge her contribution as the designer of this year's Orphan Sunday shirts. Our budding graphic designer had entered a t-shirt design contest a few months before the orphan care summit and won! During the conference many people acquired the t-shirts to promote Orphan Sunday in their home churches around the world. Zhenya was surprised to be recognized in front of the crowd. She was even more surprised when Jedd shared with 3,000 or so seated in the auditorium that it was her 21st birthday! The enormous group then sang happy birthday to our beloved former orphan. (Little birds had whispered to our friend Jedd during the day ~ thanks, Jedd, for making the day so special for the oldest among the Russians we've adopted!)

Now on to our family celebration this week. Our family tradition is to have a formal meal on china and with crystal to celebrate each family member's birthday. Zhenya's pick was shashleek (Russian-spiced shishka-bobs) for her main dish. We lingered over the delicious meal, enjoying relaxed fellowship. Then, John, who is a marketer for the company that makes Blue Bunny Ice Cream, began to offer marketing ideas for morticians ...compelling concepts like, "Die one, get one free."

Our quiet family dinner erupted into convulsive laughing as John offer idea after idea to promote mortuaries.

As a result, when I tried to get a photo of best friends, Zhenya (left) and Sarah, this was what they offered (and, yes, they gave me permission to post their silliness).

As a mother, there are few things so precious to me as a happy family meal, and this evening had been a "10" on a scale of ten. We'd enjoyed fabulous food, fellowship and fun!

When the subject of bonding is brought up in the discussion of adopting older children, the process of attachment is often thought of in the short term. What Jim and I have learned in the 12 years since first stepping into orphan care arena when we adopted biological siblings, Zhenya, Sarah and Matt, is that bonding is a long-term process. Each sweet encounter with older adopted children strengthens the bond that didn't have the chance to develop during a pregnancy or when the child was a baby. Even after 12 years, our bond with our first trio of siblings continues to grow stronger and more beautiful.

After dinner, we proceeded to gift opening.

John's gift came in the largest bag.

Zhenya was delighted when she opened John's generous gift ~ a "pen and pad" that attaches to her computer. The tool will be a big help as she studies graphic design because what she does on the pad is integrated with a key design program  called "Illustrator. "

We usually cap off birthday celebrations with cake, but this time the birthday girl and Kirsten crafted a unique treat: frozen cheesecake coated in chocolate on a stick. Yum!

Faith wearing the t-shirt Zhenya designed

As we all enjoyed the delicious deviation from birthday cake, our oldest Russian adoptee was busy scheming. Zhenya was calculating how sale of the treats could raise money to support families trying to adopt. It was a glorious evening!

Day 3 as a Family (11/18/10) - (Part 1)

Mr. Beaver:

Flashback! This post goes back to our time in Russia. Already the memories of our time together there have begun to fade, so we're going to try to capture the rest of our days in Moscow together while we still can.

Our third day as a family in Moscow was just as full as the rest. The 'events' of the day really fell into two camps: (1) the growth of relationships and knowledge of our new children, and (2) the day's activities. Obviously, the former was the real focus; the latter was merely a vehicle for the relationship building. Part 1 of the retelling of our wonderful "Red Square Day" will primarily recount the relationship progress we saw.

We started to get to know each other more fully, building new family relationships which is both fun and faith-stretching. It is a truly wondrous experience to uncover those special character traits that make each of our new children who they are. And we have to keep reminding ourselves that they are also uncovering our character traits at the same time. We pray that they would see Christ in us as they get to know us better. Anything else would dishonor our Lord and obstruct their view of His glory. Please join us in praying that our 'natural' selves would be mostly subdued under the dominion of grace throughout this process.

This day, as we toured her country's most famous sights, we saw in 15-year-old Daria twinges of sadness as she began to really grasp the imminent change she would face leaving the country of her birth.

St. Basil's Cathedral at one end of Red Square

The Resurrection Gates at the other end of Red Square

Daria had started to realize the magnitude of leaving behind her country and culture. However, while we saw moments of sadness, we also were privileged to witness her joy at the prospect of having the family she had never had before. We've probably mentioned it before, but Daria was an only child before joining our family. She'd never had a even a single sibling. What a change--sisters who desperately want to be your friends, and brothers, growing into men, who feel a desire to be your friend and help your dad in protecting you!

We were especially graified to see the blossoming of Daria's friendships with Tessa and Lissie because the three of them were due to be roommates when we reached American soil in just a few days.

Daria and Tessa

Lissie and Daria

This day we also started to see Daria's strong sense of humor emerge across the language barrier.

In this photo, Daria had instructed Tessa to pretend they were Russian fashion models. She and her sisters had caught a bit of a fashion show on the TV in their flat the night before and had apparently erupted into the giggles over how the women strutted down the runway with such severe countenances.

Here Tessa failed in her effort to imitate a smile-less Russian fashion diva given her new sister's antics.

This day we also experienced the disappointment you might expect when we had to say 'no' for the first time to one of Daria's requests (more about this later). Nevertheless, it was a blessed day of getting to know our new 15-year-old daughter. We thank God for Daria and for the opportunity to live the gospel before her. Please pray that we would honor our Lord in all our interactions with her.

Alexander continued to emerge as the 'funny-man' and family entertainer. He is very, very smart and has an infectious grin with a sense of humor that transcends the language barrier. He has a magnetic personality and is a real hit with both brothers and sisters alike. Like all of us, he also has character traits of the 'natural' man that will need training, as he has a tendency to be quite certain of himself, even when wrong. All-in-all we're so blessed to have Alexander as our new son.

Oksana remained very much a Daddy's-girl through the family's first couple of days together. Our relationship had a head start due to our extra time together before the rest of the family arrived.

On this third day we started trying to wean Oksana from complete dependence on me. We hoped that she would begin to build relationships with the rest of the family. We encouraged her to let others show her physical affection. Thankfully, she was quite open to our desire for her to spend time with other family members.

Oksana and Lissie

Speedy and Oksana

Princess Bink and Oksana

Oksana needed and will continue to need lots of hugs and attention, which is understandable given her background, but she has been generally cooperative with whatever we ask of her. And she has been a real trooper! I think we must have walked about 25 miles with her in Moscow, and she never once complained about it! She has already demonstrated that she is bright, and, with the healing of the Great Physician that we have witnessed repeatedly in our previous adoptions, we expect she will be able to catch up on any developmental deficiencies that have resulted from the severe neglect she experienced early in her life.

As we said, this first post about Day 3 as a family focuses primarily on our interactions with each other. Part 2 will focus more on the amazing sights we were blessed to see.

Bonding with My Children

From Mrs. Beaver:

As Mr. Beaver and I start down this path of parenting twelve children, we have been doing quite a bit of praying and conversing about how to carry out our roles in the most God-honoring and effective way.

Again, this morning during my Bible time, I saw something in the Puritan prayer book titled The Valley of Vision that caught my attention, but in order for that to make sense to my readers I need to share some thoughts from a favorite book called Gospel-Powered Parenting by William Farley.

"The gospel makes parents humble. We see ourselves most perfectly at the foot of the cross. Jesus died in our place. He took what we deserve. What do we deserve? We are cosmic traitors who deserve to be slowly tortured to death, naked, while a crowd stands around mocking, jeering, and laughing. Then in the climax of the scene, God the Father rejects us forever. But Christians never get what they deserve. We get what Christ deserves at his expense. This is the very clear message of the cross. All humility begins with this truth.

"The gospel opens my eyes to who I really am--'wretched, pitiable, poor, blind, and naked' (Rev. 3:17). 'Biblical humility,' notes G. A. Pritchard, 'is not some self-induced groveling or hang-dog attitude. Biblical humility is seeing ourselves as we are. Humility is a response to beholding the holiness of God.'"...

"Growing humility opens our eyes to our sin. It makes us tender and gracious discipliners of our children....

"True humility flows out of a heart broken for its sins and failings." (pgs. 118-120)

Remembering that I had read this section in Farley's book in the past and with the discussions Mr. Beaver and I have been having about parenting, this is what caught my eye in The Valley of Vision:

"Thou Great I AM,
I thank thee for any sign of penitence;
   give me more of it;
My sins are black and deep,
   and rise from a stony, proud,
      self-righteous heart;
Help me to confess them with mourning, regret,
      self-loathing,
with no pretence to merit or excuse" (pgs. 238-239)

This is MY prayer. I want to be broken-hearted and contrite when I sin. I want humility to grow in me. I want God-given humility to make me a God-glorifying blessing to my children.

Farley makes one more statement that I must keep in mind. It's only a few words, but their implication is powerful and far reaching.

"Humble parents attract their children's favor." (pg. 120)

In the adoption community, we talk all the time about "bonding" and also the failure of some adopted children to bond to their adoptive parents. Couldn't the word "bonding" also be called "gaining our children's favor"?

I, of course, desperately want my new children to bond to me. In order for their adoptions ultimately  to succeed, they must bond to me; I must have their favor. Therefore, remembering the cross, recognizing and being deeply sad about my own sin are key. As humility grows in me, my children's attraction to me--and my values as a Christian--will also grow.

(One last, short side note--all of this applies to teenagers also. I am the mother of seven teenagers so all of this is a critical learning for multiple reasons for me!)