Love Lessons

Mrs. Beaver:

We're approaching the 11th anniversary of our adoption of Russian siblings Jaynie, Cassandra and Mark. Each year as we reach mid summer, memories of the time surrounding the addition of the three of them crowd out other thoughts. Not only do recollections resurface, but this time of year inevitably brings reflection. This year our rumination has revolved around what we have learned about loving others.

Interestingly, God has used His more-recent placement of Daria and Alexander in our family as a grace-filled teaching tool for both of us. Daria and Alexander were older than any of the children we'd preciously added through adoption. When we adopted them in late 2010, Daria was nearly 16, and Alexander was going on 12. We knew enough about both adoption and parenting teens to understand that if we lost their hearts initially, we'd most likely never win them back. Unlike the children we'd parented from infancy, they had no long history with us to look back on to remember that we could be trusted. So, we were gentler, more patient, more long-suffering, more understanding, more forgiving, and better listeners. The result? Daria and Alexander have willingly poured their hearts into our hands, demonstrating confidence in our trustworthiness.

As a parent of kiddos in their early twenties, my pride wishes that I didn't have to admit its taken us this long to "get" a clearer picture of how we're to be imitators of God (Ephesians 5:1,2) as we parent. But that very pride has been a problem all along. It's pride that drives the thought, "I deserve better." And any focus on "me" or "my rights" gets in the way of sacrificial love. Period.

So, in a nutshell, here's a glimpse of where the Lord is taking us:

• No stingy grace!
• No miserly forgiveness!
• No *scrimpy love!

Our affection must be unselfish, ungrudging, unfaltering. After all, love never fails. Our kindhearted, giving God has sacrificially lavished grace, forgiveness and love on us. We must do no less! (I Cor. 13:8; Psalm 86:5; John 3:16; Eph. 1:3-8)

With brokenness over how we've parented in the past, the two of us are fervently studying our Bibles and working to write His word on our hearts as we cry out for the Spirit to change us. Not only do we want to do a better job of parenting all our current children, the Lord still has one more set of siblings for us to love on. The Lord has been perfectly patient with these two sinners. He is so good!

***********************************************

*Scrimpy: (Yes--this really is a word!) It means scanty, meager; barely adequate.

Continuing to Learn Love

Mr. & Mrs. Beaver:

Our family's guiding definition of love is, of course, drawn from Scripture. But we also appreciate the way that Paul David Tripp unpacks the God's word in ways that help us really grasp God's vision for love. He pulls from many Scripture passages in coming up with a summary definition as follows:

"Love is willing self-sacrifice for the good of another that does not require reciprocation or that the person being loved is deserving...

 Tripp goes on to unpack love at an even deeper level:

"Love calls you beyond the borders of your own wants, needs, and feelings. Love calls you to be willing to invest time, energy, money, resources, personal ability, and gifts for the good of another. Love calls you to lay down your life in ways that are concrete and specific. Love calls you to serve, to wait, to give, to suffer, to forgive, and to do all these things again and again. (Emphasis ours)

"Love calls you to be silent when you want to speak, and to speak when you would like to be silent. Love calls you to act when you would really like to wait, and to wait when you would really like to act. Love calls you to stop when you really want to continue, and it calls you to continue when you feel like stopping...Love again and again calls you away from your instincts and your comfort. Love requires personal sacrifice. Love calls you to give up your life." What Did You Expect??: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage, pg. 188

Although Tripp's book is intended to help couples grasp God's ways in marriage, the same concepts apply to all our interactions as a family. After all, where better to love than within the family?

So, as we prepare to enlarge our family again through adoption, this reminder from Tripp's marriage book is also helping us to prepare our hearts for the sacrificial kind of love that makes adoption... and family in general... work. It's the kind of love that makes adoption work, even when the world says it's impossible. It's the kind of love that makes adoption work, even when the world says it's too scary. It's the kind of love that makes adoption work, even when we're too exhausted to answer another question or wipe another messy face or solve another sibling conflict. It's the kind of love that only He can raise up in our hearts.

Remember... the Hard Road Also Lies Behind...

As we prepare our children to go serve in whatever capacity the Lord has in mind for them, we prepare them for a hard road ahead. We take special care to sharpen the arrows He has placed in our quiver, honing and straightening them to whatever degree we can so that they will fly straight and true... sharpening them so that they will make an impact when they hit the target He has set before them. But the road ahead of them is hard in many ways. They will hit bumps along the way and potholes that risk mis-aligning them to the course He has set before them (sorry for the mixed analogies... it's the best I can do with jet lag).

Such is the stuff this week is made of for Jaynie and Mrs. Beaver and me. We must pray Jaynie through the challenging road that lies ahead. It is only now that she will fully realize her need for the only One who can actually meet her needs, as she comes out from under our direct protection. And that transition is hard. She will need much prayer and encouragement to fight the fight of faith that lies ahead.

But let us not lose sight of the hard road that lies behind as well. There too, much prayer and encouragement is needed... and much faith.

What do I mean by this? I mean that those who 'send' also need much support, not just those who go.

Parenting is hard. Single-parenting is unimagineably hard (bless those who have no choice in the matter - we must pray even more for you!) This week, Mrs. Beaver is single-parenting 8 beautiful blessings who are still at home. And that's a blessing, but it's also very, very, very hard.

Mrs. Beaver and I have often joked that we had to switch to zone defense once we were 'out-numbered'. But in reality, parents can never play zone defense. Each child has real needs... and they're not timed in sequence to be manageable by one parent. They can't just be 'contained' which is what zone defense is all about. In fact, there is a far better analogy than zone defense... single-parenting actually looks a lot more like 'whack-a-mole', the carnival game.

Just in case you've never played it, let me describe. In whack-a-mole, mechanical moles stick their heads up above the surface of the game board, and it's the job of the game player to 'whack' them on the head as they come up in various places all over the game surface. The goal is to see every mole and whack it on the head before it goes back down below the game surface. It's pretty easy at first as the game starts slowly, with one mole at a time sticking it's head up in slow progression. But as the game moves on, the pace of the moles increases and increases and increases until it seems several moles are sticking their heads up all at once. The game player at this point is working furiously to first identify and then 'whack' each mole as it sticks it's head up. The game player has almost no chance of seeing everything in time, reacting appropriately and keeping up.

Single-parenting feels a lot like that. And with that situation, comes the need for much prayer, encouragement and faith.

Not only does it feel like you're hopelessly unable to meet all the needs of your children. It can even push you to trying meeting those needs much like the game player... by frantically 'whacking' down each need as it arises just to keep up.

Instead, parents need the wisdom to understand that they cannot meet all the needs on their own - they need their Savior and Lord to stand in the gap for them, providing wisdom, patience and grace to meet the needs of their little moles. They need miraculous intervention to slow the 'pace of the game' so they can slow down and process each one of those very real needs with each of their little moles. And they need the faith to rest and hope in Him, not in the overwhelming circumstances. They need to remember that Jesus NEVER plays whack-a-mole with our needs.

And sending out a sibling is hard too! It's a huge adjustment to send someone you love away for an extended time, especially when they're your friend. This is a hard time, too, for our children. And they don't have any say in the matter. Instead, they feel the loss, and feel no sense of control over the situation. What they need most now is a Savior to come alongside them and remind them that they can be forever connected with their sibling, even across time and miles, by His Spirit.

May I ask for the blessing of your prayers that:

• Mrs. Beaver would have the faith and the wisdom to lean not on her own understanding, but instead to trust in Him with all her heart, and to lead our children in a way that shows them Christ in every circumstance as the strong, kind, wise Lord that He is.
• Mrs. Beaver would have the strength and endurance to single-parent 8 little moles for over a week.
• Mrs. Beaver would have Jesus' vision to really see the needs of her little moles as they arise, and the wisdom to stop and process those needs one-by-one, with the compassion of Jesus, even when they seem to be coming in torrents.
• All 8 of our 'little moles', and especially the oldest ones, would see the need to focus not on their own needs, but to help Mrs. Beaver meet the many needs coming at her.
• That our family would be blessed by a unity of the spirit that is beyond our comprehension.
• Above all, please pray that in my home, selfishness would be slayed and all would be kind toward one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other just as Christ also has forgiven us.

Thank you for your prayers and support!